I am still totally derailed by this morning’s “thing” and I know that the persons tossing their knowledge about like they are kings, never gave it another thought.
What many people don’t know is that Carers already have a very low self-worth feeling as it is. To sit and watch helplessly at night as the child you are caring for is crying and you have to harden yourself because there is simply nothing you can do about it. The hugs, which are not welcome yet it was the only thing I learned as a mother which makes the bad things go away. The soothing voice and a song which sticks in your throat as it’s constricted by tears, also not welcome as the mere sound irritates their already heightened senses. The tiredness which we endure because we simply can not sleep, even when our little one tells us it’s ok, they can do it themselves. How can you not hear their stifled cries into a pillow as the itch is beyond relief and they don’t want to wake anyone else?

Awaking in the morning to find piles of skin in the bedrooms where they sat and scratched for the greater bulk of the night and feeling totally down on yourself that you were not strong enough to force them into bandages or at least cream.

Feeling their struggle as they try to find a way of coping with their issues and hearing their words of self questioning. Feeling the weight of stranger’s eyes as the judgment is always first and foremost and obviously, we are not trying hard enough to do the right thing.

It is not a pretty  world when you put yourself last because you feel like it is expected of you. It is not nice to sit in a quiet house, waiting for the call from school and wondering which one it is for this time. It doesn’t feel right that one should feel guilt for indulging in an ice-cream or a piece of cake or even a salad when you know that one or two of your children simply refuse to let “strange” food pass their lips.
It is NOT nice for a stranger to stand and tell you “Well, obviously you haven’t tried hard enough because there are ways around that”

I don’t assume to know what the situation is like in your home. Bully to you that your child eats all their veggies and hates sugar. Hurah to your upbringing that it offends you that my kids don’t like to wear socks. …..

Sticks and stones may break my bones but I’d rather 50 sticks and stones thrown at me than listen to the words which are not supposed to hurt me.

I had a whole day to myself, I had plans, I was happy. This has chewed an irretrievable hohle into a day I will never get back. I don’t feel like I deserved today anyway, now I know I was right.

On a note of I AM going to make it a happy rest of the day, I spoiled myself and bought a $6 packet of air drying clay. I am a little scared to open it yet because I am jinxed but today I am making something for myself!

With love and support,

Tarja Kelly


2 Responses to “Speechless”

  1. 1 Hari Kotrotsios 06/12/2011 at 2:38 pm

    Tarja, you can only do the best you can in any situation and know you HAVE done all that you can! You’re right about the sticks and stones, although I’m sure it can be difficult to keep dodging other people’s judgments, especially when they don’t know your circumstances.
    I’m glad that you’re taking time to nurture, nourish and spoil yourself – please remember that you DO deserve it.
    Sending you much love.

  2. 2 Frances Margaret Kay 06/12/2011 at 3:17 pm

    Dear Tarja
    You are a great Mum and give selflessly for your little ones. No one can know what it is like to have children with special needs unless it happens to them personally. While I don’t spend a lot of time with my grand daughter who has Cerebral Palsy I have a teensy weensy bit of understanding of what you go through.
    It is important to look after you because if you don’t your little ones will miss out.
    Take time out to release the hurt and anger – remember no one can hurt you unless you allow them to. You know that you do the right things.
    With much love and some hugs

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