Be the rock!

I have been feeling a little cornered lately. I have not been able to have “me” time for quite a considerable time as there has been someone sick (including me) for the last 4 weeks straight.

Our bed has not been empty for a whole night in almost three months now. We have had a night time visitor, or two, or three every night since the eczema flared up.

When he is in our bed, he doesn’t sleep right through, he wakes at 11.30pm and has a half hour scratch/scream session where even our voices will irritate him to a point of almost hysteria. That happens again at 2.30am and again around 4.30am. I am actually here, online, telling you that this is regardless if he had Valergan (like phenergan only stronger) or not. The only difference when he hasn’t had the Valergan, he also wakes again at 1am.

So, we have been wrapping him. This consists of cream applied to the skin, a wet soft bandage on that and a conforming bandage over the top of all of it. That has aided in the waking sessions being cut back to once at midninght.

The reason for this blog today? Well, I am tired, I am sad and I am wondering how many times more a mother’s heart has to be broken in her children’s lifetimes.

How many times more do I have to be calm and seemingly unaffected while my youngest child screams at me and abuses me because he is so uncomfortable in his skin he just wants to physically rip it off himself?  How many more times do I have to watch passively while he sits and scratches until he bleeds because, I know from countless attempts before that, that should I intervene, the resulting bloody mess would be 10 times worse?

How many more times will I give in to my mother empathy and go to him only to be rejected because of stimulus overload? Why couldn’t I remember the twenty plus times before where I noticed silence and space works miracles when he is in that state?

Why won’t I trust that he will come to me when he wants the bandages? He has done so EVERY time before! If I suggest them he will reject them.

Why, most of all, am I still so worried what “others” will think?

Well, this week in particular, I am doing everything wrong. I am suggesting, I am cuddling (or trying to) and I am not really “fast enough” when he asks for bandages to be put on or removed.

Why you may ask, I had been doing it sort of right for many a year before this. This week is different, this week I had a Middle ear infection. This week I am half deaf and have a sound so irritating in my ear that I want to go mental. I want to scream and stomp and cry and feel sorry for myself. I want to sit or lie and do nothing because I am so dizzy I can’t walk straight. I want to cancel appointments and I want to cancel people giving me advice and asking my opinion. I want to grow a sound proof bubble about my being and BE ALONE!!!!!!!

BUT, I can’t. I am a mother and I am supposed to be a rock. So I am……

You will catch me sitting on the bottom step outside, hiding  from the little terror screaming upstairs, just rocking. I sit, I push my fingertips into my ear canals and I am a rock. Deep breath, the ringing clear, loud and pure in my ears. Another cleansing breath and back up the stairs I go to face the next assault to my senses.

I am so blessed I can do that. Many a time, being the rock has saved me a week of pain. You try it some day…

With Love and support,

Tarja Kelly

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